Have you ever held on to something that you know you should let go of? There are certain things in life that can bring us so much joy, that we reach a point where we could never see a life without it. The elation that we feel when we are holding on to something can actually blind us to the detrimental effects it can have on us in the long run. Some people experience this with drugs, shopping, food and much more. When all the cobwebs are cleared and we are able to clearly see the truth it changes our entire perspective and allows us to grow and understand more about ourselves.
Imagine yourself in a relationship and everything is perfect. This relationship seems to be the climax of your life. One day your partner sits you down and with a heavy heart saying that this dream has to end. They want to break up with you but still want to be friends. Next you have to make a decision on whether or not to accept this offer of friendship. I’ve found myself in this situation before.
Here’s my story I was once at a point in my life where my ex wanted to be friends with me and I accepted. When I agreed to the friendship I assumed it would be like any other friendship where we would hang out and talk over the phone every so often. The experience consisted of me hanging out for multiple months with my ex. We ended up going to different restaurants, walked the park, dancing, visiting museums etc. The first months of the friendship was great but over time, I started to see a change. She began to gradually put walls up in which she wanted to spend less and less time together. It got to a point where the denial and deflection of the conversations we had over the phone regarding meeting up became so frequent, that I felt like I needed to address the situation head on.
So one day I called her and told her how the friendship was becoming difficult for me due to the constant denial of wanting to spend time together. I let her know that I always assumed friendship consisted of 2 things phone conversations and hanging out. If those 2 bare minimums of a friendship were not met it would make the friendship difficult for me. She replied back basically stating that, we probably shouldn’t hang out anymore because if we were to meet new people, it wouldn’t be right for us to be meeting up. She still wanted to be friends over the phone though. I was honestly getting a vibe throughout the conversation that the friendship wasn’t that big of a deal for her, but she still wanted to keep in contact. This led me to believe I shouldn’t have been taking the friendship too seriously.
My heart sank into the abyss and from there, at that very moment I knew she was not the same person I knew. After the call a plethora of emotions relating to the relationship, the current state of the friendship and my importance in her life started to run through my mind. I started to really contemplate if continuation of this friendship was right for me.
Three days after the phone call I remember reading this book and stumbled across this quote which really resonated with me. This quote ran parallels among the last phone call that I had with my ex, it allowed me to look at the friendship from a higher level, understand my worth in the friendship as well as the reason I felt like it was so important to me. This was the quote:
You cannot negotiate genuine desire
This quote was something I resonated with because it allows me to see things from a different perspective and accept reality. What it meant to me was that if you want real, raw, authentic un-negotiated desire from a person they would have to be led to that desire based on their own volition. So in regards to my situation, I realized that if my ex didn’t want to spend time with me, it is not up to me to try to persuade her to. This quote also allowed me to understand my worth in relationships as well as friendships. Ultimately, if I don’t feel desired in a friendship/relationship, I should also match that same energy and not pursue either. This was a definitive moment in my life where I learned that all relationships are all about a balance of desire between two people.
Another thing I realized is that the reason why I felt the friendship was so important to me is because I was the one who was broken up with. Deep down throughout the friendship there were lingering feelings inside of me where I still wanted to be with her. Now looking back at the entire situation, I honestly believe that the only reason I entered the friendship was in hopes that 1 day she would change her mind about me and her entering back into an exclusive relationship. At that point I discovered I entered the friendship for the wrong reasons as I saw her as so much more than just a friend. It was finally revealed to me that the only way where there could be a mutual wanting for each others time without any restrictions, would be to enter back into the relationship. This entire experience was bittersweet for me, because even though I lost someone I really care about, I’ve learned that its not ideal to be friends in the long run due unequal desire.
So with that being said, I honestly don’t believe that friendships with an ex work. The reason why is because, when a break up happens, there’s always going to be one person pursuing the other way more, which will eventually lead to an imbalance of desire. Even though friendships may look very attractive after a breakup, in the long run it is probably not a good idea. After a break up its best to just take some time to let you and your ex experience the breakup and not to pursue. Just try to focus on improving yourself. Keep yourself busy by exercising, eating right, meeting new people, and working on your passions rather than a focusing on a friendship.
This is just my experience
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