Starting a relationship with someone is like sailing a ship. You and your partner don’t know what to expect but the hope is to one day arrive at the island of Love and Happiness. This is a place where you can spend the rest of your days in eternal bliss with the person you care about the most. This island is far, far away and only a select few of couples have made it there. Before you set sail, you have to make sure that your partner is ready and the two of you should be well prepared for this journey. There are certain expectations and investments that the two of you would have to make to eventually make it to your destination. This long trip will require a lot of investments and clear communication. Making sure the the ship remains on course, providing food, retrieving water, finding a place to sleep during rest hours and most importantly looking out for each other. There maybe waves that try to throw you off course but knowing you have a real connection with this person will allow the two of you to survive the storm. Just like the two of you sailing a ship, in a relationship there are certain things that are expected of the other in a relationship.
One thing I recently learned about relationships is that at every stage you need to be 100% aware of what the other person expects out of the relationship. The reason why is because if a person’s expectations are not met at a certain point, the relationship has the potential to end.
From inception the two need to understand that in a relationship the highest investment is time. One thing we all need to understand is that we have one life to live. The time that we give to individuals and things in our lives is precious. When you go to college and decide to pursue a major, you want to ensure that you are well prepared and put your best foot forward, because you won’t be able to get that time back. When it comes to relationships you invest your time in a person, that you feel is worthy of your time. The thing about relationships are they are unpredictable and expectation, emotions and revelations about how a person feels can change in an instant which can cause you to end or preserve the time you spend with them. Under the umbrella of time comes investment of feelings, resources, energy and building a genuine connection. Investment of time can be a risk, based on all these factors, but its a part of life.
Here I wanted to share details of my most recent relationship with an amazing woman that I met. I met her about 6 months ago at a bar in Atlanta. She had this glow about her and her personality shined like the brightest star. I didn’t want this opportunity to slip through my fingers, so we exchanged numbers. A couple days after that we had our first date which was absolutely fantastic. We had an amazing dinner and afterwards went on a Ferris wheel ride which will forever be imprinted in my mind and heart. The Ferris wheel ride is where we shared our first kiss. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Overtime we began connecting on a very deep level, sharing multiple experiences together, having long conversations about life, family, hardships over the course of multiple dates and interactions. One thing that she said to me is that she is looking for a serious relationship as she was wanting this 1 to be her last. When she said this I know I wanted the time she spend with me to be special. Over the course of getting to know her, we had deep conversations, went to restaurants, art museums, music performances, picnics and so much more. It got to a point where the most important thing I valued was spending 1 on 1 time with her. She was truly someone who made me a better person. The time I spend with her allowed me to learn things about myself that I never knew existed.
About 3 months into the time we’ve been sharing together I ended up asking her does she feel a friendship or relationship connection towards me. I believe when I asked this question she subconsciously thought I was asking for more affection at this point. She again told me she was hoping for this to be on of her last relationship and at that current moment she still saw me as a friend and if I’m looking to being physical or in a romantic relationship, its probably best to go have fun with other girls. When she said this it made me really think about if she really was really wanting a serious relationship. So when she said this I thought we were honestly only friends and we all know friendship is not as faithful as a relationship. So I ended up going out and continued to date. I don’t believe a relationship begins until the woman I’m dating explicitly ask me to be in a relationship or she ask the infamous question “What are we?”
Over the course of dating and spending time together with her, I felt like everything was going well the emotional connection we had grew stronger and stronger each time we saw each other. I felt as if the puzzle pieces of the potential “relationship” were coming together but in my gut I felt there were 2 things missing from her end a physical connection/affection and genuine desire. I always felt I was a little more attracted to her than she was to me. I noticed for the most part I was always the one to initiate affection. One day I decided to have a conversation with her about it over the phone. It was revealed to me that she wasn’t physically attracted to me 4 months into dating her. When I heard this news my jaw dropped and I didn’t know how to react. I expected that if this was an issue, I would have expected it to be brought to my attention in the first couple of dates. Information like this is crucial and something that everyone should be aware of before starting any relationship or at the very least dating someone. The reason I say this is because to me physical attractiveness is a big part of affection, which is an integral part of the relationship, its what makes it whole in my eyes. I grew concerned about this and was a bit skeptical about the relationship at this point. I wasn’t sure if being with a woman who is not physically attracted to me was ideal for me in a relationship. I honestly believe that when there is a mutual physical attraction between 2 people it leads to a comfortable genuineness that only enhances compatibility to a higher level.
One of my fears when it comes to building a strong connection with someone is being in a relationship that is in my partners eyes, just a friendship. Don’t get me wrong I understand that all relationships are based on a solid foundation of friendship first, but as some point I want to ultimately know if the bond we share is a friendship or relationship connection that we share. This way I’ll know the decision I need to make to determine whether the relationship is right for me or not. As you can imagine hearing “you’re not physically attractive” 4 months into the relationship had me thinking and I decided I needed to take a break from the relationship. Right after that phone call, I wrote a letter about how I enjoyed the the interactions that we’ve had up to this point, but its probably best we go our separate ways. The main reason I wrote this letter is because I didn’t know if it would be ideal to invest my emotions, money, resources, time, energy, conversations, loyalty into a women who doesn’t find me attractive.
A couple days after I noticed she started to text and send me inspirational text and ultimately wanted to understand me, but I told her I had a lot to think about and will let her know. Gradually the attention I got from her and the way she spoke slowly but surly pulled me back in. She had this energy and vibrancy that I couldn’t resist. We eventually reconnected because the emotional investment was already there and we found our way back to each other
After we were back on again. Everything was good for a while. Every so often when it comes to woman that I really like I like to have deep conversations with them about live, love, family, experiences and more to build deep emotional connections with them. Conversation are powerful in relationships. We then had another conversation about a part of a poem by the poet Rumi it went…
However we seek
to explain love,
When we fall in love,
Our words fall short.
Explanation by the tongue
Makes things clear,
But Love unexplained
Is clearer
Based on above poem, I wondered if she identified with this quote and we had a very deep conversation that circled around to conversation about me and her. Throughout the conversation it was eventually revealed to me that during our first date when we kissed she did not feel a romantic connection. She only kissed me because of the effort I put into the date. When these words hit my ear it started to make me question everything about me and her as well as the relationship. At that exact moment the entire relationship flashed before my eyes. Throughout all times we’ve spent together we’ve kissed multiple times and the last thing I want is for a girl to engage intimately, if its not coming from a real place. I started to reflect back on every moment where I got close to her, looked into her eyes, held her around her waist, kissed her, or hugged her. I started to question whether every physical action we both engaged in was real or not. I started to question to myself; Is she comfortable whenever I’m physical with her? Was this something I should have been aware of earlier?
One thing I truly value is genuine desire. I expect every girl I go out with to let me know from an authentic place if they truly desire being with me or not. The explanation of this desire needs to come from words but most importantly authentic actions. When I invest my time in a woman I don’t want any critical information regarding feelings withheld from me after investing months into this relationship. In total we were together for about 6 months and were never intimate. We recently had a call where she saw me at a bar and from there she assumed I was flirting with other women. Right when I was about to explain why I was there she abruptly hung up the phone call before I could finished. I honestly thought this was very disrespectful as I’ve never hung up in her face before. Usually when someone hangs up on me I assume they don’t want to talk to me anymore and it should be up to them to call me back. I decided to be the bigger person and reach out to her through text to meet up 1 on 1 to have a conversation. Its been a couple days and she still hasn’t reached back out. I feel as if I’m at the very least entitled to a conversation based on the time we’ve spent together no matter which way the conversation goes. This is my current situation and at this point I’ve accepted whatever reality may come from this.
Everyone has different ways of giving and receiving love in their own special way. Finding a person that is authentic and able to give you the same love that you give can be difficult. One thing I’ve learned from this ordeal is to never invest everything into 1 person until you 100% know they’re the right one. If you don’t take this precaution it could backfire in the end. Also make sure that there is genuine desire emotionally and physically no exceptions. And lastly always embrace stoicism which means to endure pain or hardships that you face in life without complaint. We need to understand that there are just some thing in life that we can’t control and we have to accept that for what it is. The only thing within our control is the reaction to the world around us.
From now on I have a motto “I’m single till I know its real”
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